Fish Depression Is Not Funny
If you put your fish in a bowl,
your fish will soon develop depression.
So buy a big aquarium, if you must buy fishes.
A friend recently lost three out of the four
fishes she had bought. They died within a week
of moving to their new home.
One died because it didn’t like the water.
The other two, we suspect, committed suicide.
If your fish isn’t moving much in the tank,
it has developed depression.
When the first fish was found dead, we all
were shocked. But thanked god, for it was the less
pretty one. Before I am accused of anthropomorphizing
fishes, let me say this, the pretty one probably
cost more. And in a bad economy, that is just no good.
The problem with fishes is that
they are easily depressed, we deduced.
Depression, as we already know, can
often be suicidal. And life in a fish tank
without fish buddies can be lonely,
depressing. So I don’t blame the other two
for dying the way they did, the way
only few have the courage for.
Fish, say scientists, can revolutionise the
way we understand depression. For all we know
we are popping the wrong pills. Maybe we
don’t need clonazepam, certainly not 0.5mg.
We definitely don’t need xanax, just a healthy
dose of suicide can wipe the human race clean
of its woes. Let’s learn from them fishies.
Let’s not remove our depressions like clothes
and throw them in one corner of our empty houses.
As is customary for any funeral, my friend and I
cracked jokes when her fishes died.
Fish 1: What is the bottom of your tank called?
Fish 2: The Great Depression.
And sang Rihanna songs because the fishes would
have liked it: we found love in a hopeless place.
But let me assure you, we didn’t.